Chemotherapy, Cycle 1, Day 5

Exciting day today. First of all, they let me sleep from the end of my early morning chemo - so from about 3:30 AM to almost 7:30 AM, except for the minor interruption of blood draws at 6:00 AM - which unfortunately or fortunately are so routine I almost slept through it.

But that block of sleep was the best I had during my stay. The morning was pretty uneventful, they added a number of new toxins to me as well as some good supportive drugs. Bill and Noni came by to visit and take some of my accumulated baggage home. Towards noon the chemo nurse gave me two new chemotherapy drugs which were contained in huge syringes and put in to me via my Port. It is crazy the stuff they put into you - the nurse warning on one that it burns right through skin in seconds if exposed to outside environment (hope I don't have any air leaks - ha!). More thoughts on the crazy stuff inside me in a bit.

After these last two doses (for today), and disconnection from all the tubes and my IV stand, I was at the mercy of the hospital's discharge nurse to get out of there. My release was anticipated to be around 1:00 PM. Well, several hours after that anticipated time I was given my discharge papers with a reminder that I needed to return tomorrow for a shot in the arm whose intent is to re-start and boost my white blood cell production / immune system.

Kimmie, meanwhile, had been busy all day cleaning and shopping in preparation of my return and was now there for me as usual to drive me home. Home! That moment, walking out of the hospital and breathing outdoor air for the first time in 4 days was surreal. A beautiful day - would have been even if it hadn't been sunny! So hard not to be able to kiss Kimmie, but just to be able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder and ride in the car side-by-side with her was heavenly.

About the crazy stuff they put in you for chemotherapy. It is strange, strange stuff - it is so toxic that one of the primary side effects is the risk of dying from the substance itself, the list of side effects for the main chemo I had all week is three pages long. And you can feel it inside of you. I'm not going to explain it accurately - it isn't like you are on fire or in pain because of it - it is just there. The purpose, in a simplistic way, of chemotherapy is to erase the cancer right down to the molecular level.

For me, as it does that, it is erasing me. Thankfully, the soul and brain are untouched by the physical part of that - allowing the metamorphosis to health from disease to be tolerable in that I know that I will re-emerge as me. But it all gives me a renewed appreciation for the stories I admire of people who have found a way to take themselves out of a truly unpleasant place because of the power of one's spirit. The prisoner's of war that endured their torture and captivity through mental games of golf or writing a novel in their head being but one example. It is so important to see the bigger picture and expand what you think of where you are in life.

This process of being "re-booted" is felt. I'm sure half of it is the knowledge of what the chemicals are doing. But you can actually feel it - inside I'm getting destroyed for the ultimate purpose of being healed. Small price to pay for staying alive longer but gives me a good understanding of what I'd always "heard" about when people talk of chemotherapy and how difficult it is.

Once again, I thank everyone for your support. This war cannot be fought to a victory alone by anyone who has cancer and that became immediately evident the minute I got my diagnosis.